The Bible is ‘Game of Thrones’ Lit
F*@# a Game of Thrones, the Bible is lit, y’all — for realz!
I’m the last bitch should be hawking anything religious, but if you a fan of epic battle scenes, wizardry, and special effects, get you a Bible, start at page one and keep going. The Lannisters ain’t have shit on the House of King David. Cain got noise about killing Abel. Spoiler alert: Prince Absalom kills his brother Amnon who sexually defiles their sister Tamar. Family intrigue and treachery is a biblical staple!
For realz, why hasn’t anybody started a Hollywood franchise. You are thinking, “Pink, there’s plenty of movies about the Bible.” Bullshit. Hollywood has given you the domesticated version of the Bible. Noah and the Flood – gasp! The Ten Commandments, ooooh! Give me a break. That’s some Disney channel ass shit compared to Judges, Kings, Ezekiel, and the rest.
Okay, people know Sampson and Delilah. Sampson is garbage compared to the first 11 Judges—Othniel, Ehud, Shamgar, Deborah, Gideon, Tola, Jair, Jephthah, Ibzan, Elon and Abdon. That’s an HBO series by itself. Get on that shit y’all. Wise King Solomon was a baller wit’ like 700 wives and 300 mistresses. The first half of his reign was dullsville, but the second half would’ve put Caligula to shame.
Serious, I’m blown away this sensationalism’s the mortar ‘tween the stones of Western “spirituality.” It do teach some valuable lessons, though and I wanna share them here:
Violence as a punishment do not work. That shit always backfire.
If they try to censor your ass, pull out the Old Testament.
Never become King of anything. Your life will become a living hell.
The squeaky wheel do get oiled faster (refer to Job).
The “sins of the father” thing’s a misquote. Sons is the sinner’s.
To stop the spread of COVID-19, follow Leviticus to the letter!
Knowing biblical scripture will prepare you for pretty much any situation, not to mention debating conservative mo’ fo’s. It’s where most the good plots came from. You also gonna understand why there’s so much violence on the planet. It might even explain Donald Trump. Get in it y’all.
