Step Nine: I’m Sorry…No Buts!
When it’s time to make amends, don’t make shit worse, y’all — for realz!
Step Nine: “Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
I actually get nervous for people when it comes to amends. I dove into mine way too fast and fucked the first couple up. I was vague AF and ended up confusing a bunch o’ people. Some people walked away mad. Sometimes, I walked away mad ‘cause shit ain’t go the way I wanted. O’ course, that was my first mistake—thinking I had some control over how that shit was gonna go.
Now, I got a test I use before any amends. First, I see if it’s even possible. Is the person alive and, if they are, would I know how to find them? Then I ask myself is it safe to make contact? Some people for whatever reason, it’s best they forget I’m alive. There are downright dangerous people I need to avoid and there’s people for who just thinking about me is traumatic and they’ve let me know.
I also ask myself if the thing I did actually harmed the person in a specific way. I dropped off the radar for some people. If it was just natural and mutual, ain’t no need calling to apologize we ain’t friends no more. Need to be specific, like sleeping with they boyfriend, stealing something or insulting the fuck out of ‘em—shit like that. I gotta be able admit harm I did.
Last, I ask, is bringing this up gonna create trouble for other people? Sure it’s gonna be awkward AF for me. I suck that up. I ain’t gonna snitch on somebody else in the process. Is talking about this issue going require the person to go into therapy? I’m serious as fuck about this one. Making amends ain’t about dumping your shit on other people.
Once I check for all this, I write out exactly what I’m gonna say. I include a version where the person refused to even talk to me and I thank them for their time and move on. I make amends on the regular now. Trust me, it’s worth the pain.
