Rules for Dating Crazy
Somebody needs to write a manual for dating crazy, y’all — for realz!
I wonder what others consider crazy. I wonder at the word. I find it more genuine than neurodivergent. I typically associate that fancy word with autism. Seems like autism is the fashionable neurodivergence—the cool kids. There are industries (for example the tech industry) actively recruiting for autism spectrum disorder (ASD) for characteristics like single-mindedness and intense focus. ASD and popular friends OCD and ADHD are a Holy Trinity.
When I talk about crazy it is shorthand for any condition in the DSM, even the ones that scare the shit out of people. Neurodivergent doesn’t seem weighty enough to describe borderline personality disorder, clinical depression, anti-social disorder, psychosis, schizophrenia, or other mental conditions that strike terror in people’s hearts.
You might be on the verge of a relationship with someone who has come out as mentally ill. You may be in a panic over introducing this person to your friends. You prolly need to get over that. In case you are looking for a psychotic partner, I humbly offer the following advice.
Don’t assume you’re special, kinder, cooler, or anything else-er because you do or once did, date someone with mental illness. To me that’s creepy like thinking you are cool for dating someone of a different race or culture. Prolly not a good look.
You’re not doing the crazy person a favor. You’re not this person’s alpha and omega. They’ve likely got family, friends and professional support. They won’t break if things don’t work out with you. Plenty “fish” in the sea.
You take care of you. State your boundaries (do that with all your significant relationships). You and your mentally ill romantic interest can benefit getting what you need. Your relationship (if it gets there) will thank you.
The crazy person isn’t stupid. They’re prolly really smart. Fact check yourself. There’s nearly a two-hundred percent chance your smart friends, at least the top two percent smart friends, have a mood disorder.
Listen to the person, especially when they explain triggers and health needs. They are not trying to control you. They aren’t accusing you of anything. Be honored they felt safe to share it with you. Be grateful, even.
Crazy doesn’t mean violent, perverted, uncontrolled, or extreme. Most seriously mentally ill aren’t dangerous. Crazy folks are targets of violent acts (by sane people) more than perpetrators of them.
There will be episodes. Side effects from meds can be unexpected. No one tricked you or withheld information. They may gain weight (more to love). Some effect performance (including sexual).
It’s not about you. Unless you are being a schmuck. Being schmuck is all on you. Their illness isn’t your challenge—it’s theirs. For sure, the crazy person is not “doing” their crazy to or at you.
Ask questions. Don’t, however, put all of that work on the person. Do some research on your own. Don’t expect answers to all of your questions. If the person doesn’t want to discuss details, respect their boundaries.
Be patient. It takes time to build trust in any relationship (romantic or otherwise). Mutually, people (even non-humans) learn to maintain a safe environment together over time.
This is no way an exhaustive list. It responds to bullshit I encounter trying to date while crazy. Don’t take my word for shit. Fact check—for realz. Also, I’m not trying to say crazy people are harder work. It’s basically don’t be rude. Crazy people can be jerks sometimes too. Don’t let their crazy stop you from calling out their bullshit either. Just be real, be honest and move through it with love. Did I miss anything critical? Feel free to dhime in.
