My Recovery Crush
I have a crush on my recovery partner y’all – for realz!
I’ve been lying to myself about it for months but, I swear every time I talk to him I feel my heart turning into a bowl of chia pudding with a light touch of vanilla and agave. I know that’s whack (as whack as using the term whack in 2020, but I’m old school AF)! He’s Canadian and every time he suggests we pray out (pronouncing it OOT), I’m done! It’s bad news because I’m a love addict and one of the symptoms is assigning magical qualities to people, but shit y’all, I talk to animals, what else am I supposed to do?
I’ve never met him. Never even seen his face. We only talk on the phone, although I’ve been tempted to FaceTime. I know he’s a teacher. He’s 56. We share a compulsive fear of being noticed (yes, that’s a thing). He’s also on the autism spectrum which goes perfectly with me being an Adult Child. He’s also a bit psychic. He sounds adorable. To temper my passion, I imagine him looking like Jaba the Hut from Star Wars. It fails. I just see myself laying a big wet one on Jaba the Hut. Hopeless! I’m Carrie Fischer in an iron bikini with a chain around my neck.
When we talk there's a kind of gentle detachment that reminds me of when I was a kid playing in the sandbox. The words aren’t important. The real communication is the careful assembly of our castles in parallel play. Pointing out the rooms and who would live where. He calls me “girl” sometimes. I tell him animals I see and he looks them up and sends me their meaning via text.
Sometimes we end up on a phone meeting together and it’s such a thrill to hear him talk for a straight three minutes at a time. He always sounds hopeful. He always sounds grateful. He mentions me often, but I’m the only one who knows who he’s talking about. It feels like passing love notes in the classroom. The way we express our gratitude for each other feels like a profession of love. There’s abandon in his saying I inspire him – the way I proudly proclaim gender nonconformity. I love to build his confidence. I love challenging him to love himself fearlessly.
Of course I can never express to him – this man-child – my true feelings. That would bring an end to things. In recovery, it’s called 13th stepping to use a recovery relationship as a way to bag a date. It wouldn’t necessarily be that, but being recovery partners with a person you're romantically engaged with seems to go against the point. He has to feel safe telling me everything and I have to feel safe sharing my darkest secrets with him. Of course, my having a huge crush on him is a dark secret. Well, not dark. It’s more of a guilty pleasure.
I don’t know. Should I say something? Should I break it off? Don’t leave me hanging here, y’all! Tell me I’m not the only one crushing on faceless strangers. LOL!
