Micro-Aggressions
There’s a reason they call them micro aggressions, y’all — for realz!
This one’s more anecdotal (and a bit of a rant). It ain’t meant to delve into social justice lingo (about which you may sense my distain—read my older shit). Sometimes terms are razor accurate describing things barely perceptible that have a big ass and long term impact, like a hit and run. Truth: I don’t need to name what ails me. I just need to trust myself to recognize a hostile situation when I’m it. It’s also helpful when others around me just frigging heed when I say, “This don’t feel right.”
I was with a Brazilian friend whose first language is Portuguese. They shared about a recent date that left them feeling shaken and shitty. At a restaurant a server asked a question that momentarily confused my friend. The date says, to my friend, something along the lines of, “It must be so frustrating for you not being able to express yourself in English. I went through the same thing when I visited Spain.” My friend explained the comment brought up a lot of insecurity. They understood their date was trying to be supportive (even sympathetic) but my friend left feeling bad about themself. They couldn’t understand how such a minor comment could send them spiraling. I was like “Bitch, that’s why they call it a micro-aggression!” My friend was all, “What’s that?”
Do-over.
People (regardless of communication skills) get confused, have misunderstandings, and/or mishear shit, all the time. The moment my friend got confused by the server, to relieve the discomfort the date could ask the waiter for clarification—problem solved. Failing that intervention, date could ignore it, reading the damn menu, and let the moment to pass sans fanfare. Incapable of either of those things—say, caught up in their own discomfort—they might simply say “that was awkward!”
There’s a slew of ways to lighten the mood (if it even needed that) without calling out the other persons handicap (by which I mean any inherent trait resulting in a challenge). Imagine someone with unaccommodated mobility needs. A comment like, “It must be hard getting up stairs. I broke my foot once and know what you are going through” would be understood as insensitive if not a downright jerk-ish. The person dealing with the challenge doesn’t need it pointed out, or to be outwardly pitied.
Whether or not they understand micro-aggressions, people gotta recognize the arrogance in making it about them self. Sure, it’s uncomfortable being struck aware of someone else’s struggle. News flash: that’s called privilege. It’s nothing compared to frequent snags people hit in an environment designed without them in mind, or intentionally to trip them up. They don’t need your elementary deductions, Sherlock, nor impromptu solutions.
Complimenting their dark skin to put a Black person at ease, doesn’t. Pointing out others novel bodies, practices, culture doesn’t make put them at ease if they’ve been penalized for it. Projecting dissonance in a situation someone’s already wrestling, makes it worse for them. If you find yourself feeling luckier than, sorry for, or inspired to save someone because of their predicament, you may need to check yourself. Your ass (and ignorance) may be showing.
If you really really really feel you must insert yourself, go do some research, join an advocacy group and start getting to the root of the problem. Hint: It’s not the individual problem of person having the struggle.
