Love People— Hate Crowds
I cannot stand crowds, y’all — for realz!
I love people. I usually am willing to sacrifice a lot for the opportunity to be around people I like, or when I feel needed. Truth: For me being around people has a lot to do with the desire to be accepted. I understand that humans are social beings. I have social urges. Once I am around people, the trouble starts. I start picking up on other people’s energy. That’s not always bad, except as I connect to other’s moods and emotions, I lose myself.
Not complaining. This is a description of something I encounter. It’s subtle. It ain’t Syfy (I really hate that nomenclature). I don’t notice it until it’s too late and I’ve gradually become the other person. There’s no way to talk about it that doesn’t sound like I am describing a superpower. I’m not bragging about it. I don’t even think it is unusual. Some people, especially people with personality disorders (another word that’s getting old fast), don’t have enough of a sense of themselves to hold onto. I’m an extremely tractable person, who is just easily influenced. Now I sound like a personality parasite!
Suffice it to say, I’m highly attuned and a natural mimic. It served me as an actor well. If it could be described well enough, I could become it. It also goes for people around me. People with strong personalities or people who are experiencing strong emotions become subliminal directors and I step into the role of them. Before I know it, I’m bouncing off the walls with anxiety, or deeply depressed, or furious, just because someone else in the room is experiencing it.
Imagine having that kind of sensitivity and that response when you are at a party. Now imagine it happening during a concert. I’m a sponge in the bathtub. Crowds can be dangerous. In the book Crowds and Power, Elias Canetti explains the tribal nature that emerges in crowds as well as some of the origins of our crowd behaviors. They explain the origin of laughter, comparing it to the other species that laughs—Hyenas. Hyena laughter expresses their desire to consume dead flesh (again a shared trait with humans). Laughter is the subconscious baring of the teeth at the object of humor. Laughing at each other replaces eating each other. Laughter is a form of cannibalism. So goes Canetti.
The primal energy is what I tune into in crowds. I understand it as an inherently dangerous place. I’m not alone. Check yourself, you may be one of a small percentage that is finely attuned enough to your surroundings to be debilitating: Not a pity party. I get that it’s unique. I also think it’s necessary. It’s what makes me essential. It’s likely all the traits that make me feel like an alien are the very traits humanity requires of me. The Universe needed me to be this way. Anyway, apologies for any time I told you I’d come to your party and then bailed. It wasn’t you. Think of it as part of the divine plan.
